╔═══════════════════════════════════════╗
║ New Quest Unlocked! ║
║ ─────────────────────────────────── ║
║ Description: Live your life to the ║
║ fullest ║
║ Level: 29 ║
║ ║
║ Subquests: ║
║ a) Get your dream job. ║
║ b) Do something you love every ║
║ day. ║
║ c) Become woman. ║
║ ║
║ ┌────────┐ ┌─────────┐ ║
║ │ Accept │ │ Decline │ ║
║ └────────┘ └─────────┘ ║
║ ║
╚═══════════════════════════════════════╝Become … woman? Why is that part of the quest?
(Hits accept without second thought)
It’s time to be true to myself. No more shame. No more hiding. No more mental gymnastics.
Yes, you read that right. I am trans. Specifically transfem[1]. This post, made public on the International Transgender Day of Visibility, is one of the many major milestones in my journey.
The post would be impossibly long if I just do an full lore drop here. But long story short (a vast understatement), it’s been a combination of messed up childhood, unsupportive parents, and insane level of internalized transphobia.
But anyway, a cis male would not have more than 60 pages of muffled screaming on her hard drive, right?
Preface to the muffled screaming.
It baffles me a little when I look back and realize I, somehow, managed to hold it back for well over a decade. Sometimes however, I felt guilty for being able to pull this off, as being trapped in a cocoon for such a long time is absolutely life-threatening to many other people. On the other hand though, I frequently fault myself for not kicking start the changes when I was younger.
I can, however, no longer refer to myself as “pre-everything”, as I probably still could a few months ago. I’m a few months into voice training, which is my first attempt of doing something concrete to address what is arguably by far my worst dysphoria: it was so bad that HRT wasn’t even on my radar initially. So far I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it, barring the anxiety. But the best part of it has to be being able to speak without constantly telling myself to stfu because I hate my own voice.
As I have already alluded to, there are other changes to come. But I know one thing is not changing: I would still be Chris once I have transitioned. I don’t have many nice things to say about myself; but if there’s one thing that I’d say was pretty smart when I did it as an 8-year-old, it would be picking a unisex name that could survive a transgender awakening.
Read this totally cis short story that I wrote two years ago: The Station of Elyssima.